Psychology 101 - We attract at our own level Prerequisites: None
Professor: Pirate

Why do I only seem to find jerks? Where is Mr. Right? Why do the guys I date always seem to have issues? Welcome to the harshest class in the Academy. This class is what I call the make or break class. You will either make it through this class and ultimately succeed in graduation (and in this case graduation occurs when you find your true love), or you will drop out and continue the life path you are on now.

For some of you, getting past this level will require a mountainous effort (it did for me by the way, almost 2 decades of therapy to be specific - though to be fair a good amount of that was for a raging case of PTSD I picked up in the Army). Others will be fortunate and need much less. NONE of you can get a passing grade in this class without making some hard realizations and taking concrete action - because frankly - none of you would be attending this Academy of Love at all if you did not need this class. OK, on with the course.

We attract others at our own level of mental health. Read that again class. We attract others at our own level of mental health. This is a hard and fast psychological principal, not subject to argument, whining, dreaming or worry. We cannot attract those who are more emotionally grounded than we ourselves are, we can only attract at our own level. We might be able to learn how to fool a more emotionally healthy individual for a while, but eventually he will see our true state and run like the devil. (Ever dated a great guy only to have him flake out after a few dates for no apparent reason? Guess what probably happened...)

The more mentally healthy an individual is, the more clearly he/she sees "warning flags" of lessor emotional stability. In practical terms it means that if we are carrying around hurt, anger, fear or any other emotional baggage - we are going to attract mates with similar difficulties and there is no way we can pretend or "fake" that we are healthier for any length of time. Conversely, if we find we are dating only jerks and losers, guess what that says about our own mental health (oh darn...) Same thing goes for those of us who always seem to date those who "need" us, those who drain us or end up abusing us. If we were healthy ourselves, we would run from them as fast as we could. But if we don't, if we stay way beyond the call of duty - what does that really say about our own mental health?

So here is the golden rule for dating; if you want Mr. Right, you have to be Miss Right. If you are Miss Wrong, guess who you will be hooking up with? OK, the good news is YOU CAN BE MISS RIGHT with a bit of hard work and elbow grease. Is it worth the effort? Well, here is where those who want an easy fix drop class (and by the way they are the same ones who will never find true love, be happy, or make it in life in general).

Now, how do we fix this stuff? Usually our issues revolve around unmet childhood expectations, or some childhood trauma. Not always, but usually. Even if we think our problems occurred as adults, usually the underlying issue started in childhood (I, for instance, was adopted - and despite my thinking it never really made a difference in my life, it really has made a difference in my life!) Often we are acting out the script of our parent's relationship in a ridiculous attempt to right any wrongs in their relationship and by extension our own childhood. This stuff is deeply rooted and way beyond the scope of this course. In fact, all of it requires therapy of some kind. How do you approach this task? Four ways.

First, you will need a therapist. Now some folks bristle at this thought. "I'm not crazy!" "I am not going to tell someone all my secrets!" "What will my friends think?" "I don't have enough money." Excuses abound. If you are not happy with any aspect of your life, you need a therapist. If you do not have the love in your life you want and deserve, you need a therapist. Suck it up and go. I did, for almost 20 years. Worth every penny. I still see my last therapist every now and again just to check up my psyche (I look at it like changing the oil in my bike).

Now, you should know there are therapists and then there are therapists. You need a good one, not some quack who is merely going to repeat back to you everything you say. (See my article on finding a therapist if you need some guidance). But do not use this as an excuse NOT to go. Even a quack will get you on the path. Go NOW! Your first goal is to discover exactly what lies at the root of your particular set of issues (and in today's crazy society, especially here in the Puritan founded US of A, we pretty much all have issues of one kind or another that hold us back). Even a bad therapist should be able to help you figure that out in no more than few visits.

Yes it is going to cost money. For the thickest of us (like me) a LOT of money. Again, suck it up. How much is happiness worth? Think of things you spend money on now that don't really make you happy, or only make you happy for a day (or an hour). Again, how much is true, lasting happiness worth? Me, I throw money at stuff with that kind of pay-off. You can find the money, just look for it.

Second, self-help books. Don't buy them, get them at the library. You are going to read a lot of them, and you will need to save your money for your therapist. There are hundreds of them out there, and to get the ones that will help you is going to require you find out the nature of the issues you need to work on (hence the therapist above). I am building a list of recommended books, but for the time being I will start you off with what I consider to be the doozy of all doozies (at least for those of us looking for love); "The Road Less Travelled," by M. Scott Peck (by the way, this is one book you WILL want to buy, it is required reading for all of the 200 level and above courses dealing with love and relationships). Self-help books are an inexpensive way to blast through a lot of expensive therapy hours, use the resource!

Third, seminars. Once you have identified the areas you need to work on, seminars offer a wonderful opportunity to immerse yourself in the growth process. What's more, you get to meet new friends who are going through the same issues you are and will be wonderful friends and resources. Personally, I HIGHLY recommend the Sedona Method (www.sedona.com). Had I found it earlier, it would have shaved many, many, many (did I say many?) years off my therapy. I cannot recommend those folks highly enough. Other seminars offer similar value (say our own seminars for instance!) Some seem expensive at first, but if you calculate the many hours each seminar will take off your overall therapy, and add the value of building a support network, they are cheap, cheap, cheap!

Fourth, the online Forum. Here you will find (once it gets going a bit) a group of like-minded anonymous women interested in attaining the same basic goal you are. It is a bit like group therapy, but a whole lot more convenient. What's more, I do have access to actual psychologists and psychiatrists and can and will discuss any specific requests or sticky issues brought to light with them and get back to you with concrete answers and suggestions. We are even now talking with a few of these professionals about joining us full time to moderate part of the forum so you can get assistance directly. Keep your fingers crossed!

In all the above endeavors, remember YOUR goal. You want to become emotionally healthy so you can find an emotionally healthy man. Many get lost in self-help, therapy and seminars by losing focus or not going in with a firm goal. They end up going just to go, reading just to read and they never really get anywhere. Do NOT allow this to happen. Keep your goal firmly set and you WILL succeed. Encourage each other on the Forum here, write to the Pirate or Ken and we will keep you focused too. This step is COMPLETELY critical to your finding true love in your life - embrace it, work it, don't ever give in and succeed.


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